Episode 153: Autistic and ADHD mother and life coach – Kori Tomelden

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The episode transcript is below.

Carolyn Kiel: Thanks for joining me today for another episode of Beyond 6 Seconds. I’m excited to bring you this interview with my guest, Kori Tomelden. We talk about the work she does to help autistic and ADHD women with coping strategies for life. I think we can all acknowledge that in these difficult times, women in general are finding life much more challenging, and this is especially true for neurodivergent women.

This is also my first conversation on the podcast with an autistic mom! Kori has two daughters, one of whom is autistic. Her daughter got her autism diagnosis before Kori did. Like a lot of women, Kori is late diagnosed – and like many late-diagnosed autistic moms, her experience raising her autistic daughter helped her realize that she is autistic too. Kori’s self-discovery and diagnosis of both ADHD and autism was a multi-year journey. You’ll get to hear all about it on this episode.

Kori is also a podcast host who talks about her life as an autistic ADHDer. In our conversation today, she talks about how she is using her podcast to unmask herself, because masking is taxing and she’s tired of doing it.

Remember, if you enjoy stories like this, please follow Beyond 6 Seconds on your favorite podcast app or on YouTube. My website beyond6seconds.net also has all my episodes – and if you go there and sign up for my free email newsletter, I’ll notify you when a new episode is coming out! I’m really passionate about sharing these stories with people, and I really appreciate you listening!

And now, here’s my conversation with Kori.

Hello, and welcome to the Beyond 6 Seconds podcast. I’m your host, Carolyn Kiel. And today I am very excited to be joined by my guest, Kori Tomelden. Kori is a late diagnosed autistic ADHDer, life strategist for autistic and ADHD women and a transformational purpose coach. She’s currently located in Albany New York, where she’s raising a neurodivergent family. Her older daughter is non-speaking autistic and also has ADHD and anxiety, and her younger daughter is HSP, or highly sensitive person, and gifted. As an empath, HSP and highly intuitive individual, Kori brings her own life experiences as an autistic woman, combined with her adventures in momming, entrepreneurship, and homemaking to bring you the day-to-day of her life at home. Kori, welcome to the podcast.

Kori Tomelden: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me Carolyn. I’m happy to be here.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah. I’m glad to have you here. So yeah, I mentioned in your bio that you are late diagnosed ADHD and autism. So tell me about the process around getting your diagnosis, like what prompted it and, and how did that all happen?

Kori Tomelden: It actually started at about 2011, 2012. I was nearing the end of a, almost 10 year marriage. And my whole identity just started to shift and change and it was just this realization of, wow, I don’t really know who I am. And so I started on this whole like self discovery process as far as reclaiming my purpose, reclaiming my identity outside of the societal things.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah.

Kori Tomelden: And soon as that continued for, I guess that that was back in 2011, 2012. And as my autistic daughter was getting older, I was looking for more ways to support her as an adult, as opposed to, you know, a teenager. And as I was looking into things and strategies and stuff like that that could help her, I just started noticing things. It’s like, wait a minute, this is kind of, I could resonate with it or the, some the struggles.

So, I’m a big quiz junkie. And I was looking into more resources on how to support highly sensitive people, because that’s how I’ve always identified. It’s one of the things I’ve identified with. And one of those quizzes led me to like crossover between HSP and ADHD. I was like, I don’t think I’d ever considered that particular path. So I started looking more into the, the ADHD pieces of it. And around 2018, 2019 is when I did my own self-diagnosis after taking numerous, you know, tests and everything with ADHD inattentive type, or what used to be ADD.

Carolyn Kiel: Right.

Kori Tomelden: And so I carried that with me, you know, then I finally just, I wanted to know whether that was really the case or if it was just all in my head. I’ve always been a proponent of doing what works best for the individual. Some people are very opposed to being on medication. Some people aren’t. And I’ve been one of those individuals that because of my existing mental health issues, is was okay, maybe I do need to be on medication for something until I can learn how to manage it better. So that was why I sought out an official diagnosis. And that was March or April of 2021. And I walked out of that evaluation with both the ADHD inattentive and autism level 1.

Carolyn Kiel: Wow.

Kori Tomelden: It was like, oh, okay. So one I was fully expecting and the other one was just really out of the blue. But it also sent me further into like research mode, which is what I did after my autistic daughter’s diagnosis. And yeah, so much just started to make sense after that. It was just kind of mind blowing, like just how many things were falling into place and clicking, and it’s like, oh, okay. So that’s why the stuff that I was doing for my autistic daughter was also helping me. Who knew?

Carolyn Kiel: So, yeah. It’s amazing how a lot of the journeys towards diagnosis are, they’re multi-year. So it’s not just something that happened one day, like, oh, okay. I’m going to take a few tests and get some other, you know, other types of diagnoses, I guess are that way, but certainly with autism and ADHD and other, a lot of other door divergent conditions like that, it takes, it takes a while. It’s a lot of, you know, as you said, and you have to do a lot of, I feel like a lot of self-research and, you know, just so, you know, cause there’s all different types of tests.

Kori Tomelden: And I think the other thing too, is that, especially for women, that it either goes misdiagnosed or it goes just completely undiagnosed until such later in life. That we’re and for a lot, not for a lot of us, but for those of us who are moms, that’s when we start questioning things, because we look at our kids, it’s like, ah, Oh, okay.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah. And I’ve heard that too is a lot of times, a lot of times when women get diagnosed, it’s when they have children who are, you know, showing the early signs when they’re very young of ADHD or autism, and then look into that. That’s where that diagnosis comes from sometimes.

Kori Tomelden: Yeah.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah. So, you know, you mentioned sort of looking back a little bit on your life and saying, oh, now I understand why certain things make sense and why I, you know, thought or, or worked in certain ways. So I guess, you know, looking back into childhood, what was it like growing up, I guess, undiagnosed? Like, were the things growing up that, in terms of how you thought or behaved or acted that now looking back were like, oh, okay. I could see how this ties into my diagnosis.

Kori Tomelden: Yeah. Well, it’s interesting because after I got the diagnosis, my mom saved a lot of my, my school files. And I remember in one of them in particular, it was like in elementary school. I had been diagnosed with a learning disability and I struggled big time with like math concepts. I was great with English. Great with, you know, with history, with social studies. Once I got into something on science, I was great with that. I struggled big time with math. My handwriting has always been a little bit on the atrocious side.

I was one of those kids that like, I finished my tests really really early before everybody else. And I would just sit there, like looking around, kind of fidgeting. And it was the oh, Kori, can you go take this to this teacher? Or can you go take this to the office? Or. Just so I wasn’t distracting other kids. And you know, so that kind of, it clicked into place. Which was the other thing I ended eventually was part of my self-diagnosis process was the dyscalculia, because people talk about dyslexia, which is reversing letters and dyscalculia is the the numbers. Like to dumb it down, the numbers version of dyslexia.

And, you know, as I was also looking at a friend of mine’s website. She talks a lot about hyperlexia and autism. And I started reading at a fairly young age. I’ve always been above my grade level as far as reading. And I was the one who was, you know, while other kids were reading basic little, like little, the basic check books, I read the entire Little House on the Prairie series in second grade, third grade, and Anne of Green Gables and Little Women I had read by fourth grade. And my mom and I, we were talking about this too, was that in the summer between my seventh and eighth grade, so I was maybe 13, 12, 13, I read Wuthering Heights.

Carolyn Kiel: Wow.

Kori Tomelden: For fun. I was like, oh, okay. So yeah, it was just looking back on all of these different things.

And and now that I look back on it, I’ve always been people watcher. Like I love watching people. And I’m one of those people that I will go to the park, well used to, I would go to the park, to the mall, wherever it was and not to interact with people, but to observe. I love watching human behavior. And, you know, I’ve come to realize that it wasn’t just I wanted to see how people were reacting. I was looking at societal norms and body language and just that kind of thing, because I needed to know, I guess? And I was, so yes I was always what you’d call a people pleaser because it was the acceptance that great need for acceptance and needing to fit in. So and a perfectionist, I’ve always been a, I call myself a recovering perfectionist, recovering people, pleaser. I’m still a people watcher just because I love psychology and behavior, like I said, human behavior. It’s just, it fascinates me on all levels. Yeah.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah. And I can see the connection with now you becoming a coach that, you know, the whole people watching and interest in psychology totally ties in.

Kori Tomelden: Yeah. And you know, like over the years, that was one of the careers that I had wanted to get into was, when I was younger, I wanted to be a criminal psychologist. And I had told my mom, I was like, I want to be a criminal psychologist, and I want to work specifically with death row inmates. And she just looked at me. She goes, why? It’s like, because I want to know why they did what they did. I want to know their motivation. I want to know their childhood, their everything. This must’ve been. It’s like 10, 11. I still, I love those crime shows.

Carolyn Kiel: You were ahead of your time actually, now with true crime podcasts and all that!

Kori Tomelden: Yeah. I love those things, all of those things. But now as I’ve been looking into it, there’s. In the autistic terminology, it’s the hyperfixation. So it’s that deep, deep, like interests that you just have or focuses. Psychology and human behavior has always been one of mine.

And I think after getting my diagnosis, it just made it that much more and added that extra layer of okay, it, so, it’s not just the neurotypical brain wiring, but it’s also neurodivergent brain wiring. And that for me was also fascinating.

And, so now, I still want to be able to study in psychology. It’s not about having, you know, fancy letters or being able to say, oh, I’m a doctor or anything like that. It’s really just about furthering that on knowledge and that understanding. So I’ve been looking into neuro psychology or neuroscience or behavioral science and eventually I’d like to pursue my PhD in that area.

Carolyn Kiel: Very cool. Yeah. Yeah. It’s such an interesting field. I wound up getting my master’s in psychology and my bachelor’s is in psychology. Mine’s on the business side, but yeah, I just love, you know, as you said, just understanding human behavior in different settings.

Kori Tomelden: Yeah.

Carolyn Kiel: So were you a coach before you got your official diagnoses?

Kori Tomelden: I was. I started as a parenting coach for parents of autistic children. And specifically for, you know, non-speaking autistics or for girls. Because you know, It’s in the United States, pretty much pounded into us that one in every four children is diagnosed with autism and the majority are boys.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah.

Kori Tomelden: So the majority of the resources and the research out there is still for boys. That’s great. I’m glad that the research is out there and that the resources are available, but for girls, there’s this whole other level of. Like one of the first things that I learned was that for girls, autistic girls, by the time they hit puberty it’s, you have to look out for epilepsy because that becomes one of the most co-occurring or comorbid conditions.

I was very lucky with my daughter. We missed that. Also then just looking at their social struggles and all the other things that happen in girls that do happen in boys. But I think aren’t as pronounced. And then also for the non-speaking autistic population, because we had talked about. There’s a lot of resources out there, again. It’s for what used to be the high-functioning or they would call it Asperger’s syndrome.

Carolyn Kiel: Right.

Kori Tomelden: Now it’s I believe autism level 1. The DSM just needs to, I have a whole rant on that, but yeah, but yeah. It’s, so it’s that whole thing there too was that, okay and I get it too, is that my experience with my daughter, isn’t going to be the exact same as somebody else’s experience because, you know, environment and all of that. But what I’ve wanted to do was just be very open, very honest about the things that I’d done as far as changing the environment around her, as far as adapting the environment around her, instead of trying to change her.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah.

Kori Tomelden: Because there’s nothing wrong with her. And so that was my mission as a parenting coach was to not just educate, but to also kind of help parents reframe that thinking that they’re, you know, there’s something wrong with my child. I have to fix my child. Your child is not broken. There is nothing wrong with them. Change the environment around your child instead of the other way around.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah.

Kori Tomelden: Because, and yes, also adapt and help, but equip and empower them to, you know, just to face everything, but not in such a way that you’re trying to lessen who they are and what they can do.

And, and so that was, I did that from about 2016 to 2020, beginning of 2021. And I also helped with IEP coaching with, you know, calming strategies. And it was half strategies that they could use with their children, and half strategies that they could use for themselves. Because it’s also about managing your own needs as a parent. And moms, again, we tend to just put ourselves on the back burner and when you’re parenting from that high level of stress and burnout, you’re not really putting yourself in a great place to, to even human, let alone parent. And so that was the other big thing.

And so often I would have my clients send me emails or we’d get on coaching call and say, “wow, you know, the strategies that we were putting in place to help with my child’s meltdowns are really helping me too.” Or, you know, some of these other things it’s like, oh, well, that’s, that’s interesting.

So yeah, so then as I was further into my own self-diagnosis process, and then after the formal diagnosis, I was like, you know what? It’s time for me to change. I absolutely love working with parents. That’s been one of my favorite things and especially moms, just because again, we put ourselves on the back burner, like, “oh, I can handle this. I can handle this.” Like no no, you need to take care of you first. And then you can go handle the things. So that’s been where I’ve made my biggest shift. It wasn’t just working on parenting strategies, but now working on life strategies. And so that’s where I decided to make that change.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah. Wow. And that’s powerful. I feel like, you know, especially now more than ever, the pandemic has really shown just how little support moms in general have, never mind having a child who has autism or ADHD or any type of, you know, needs like that, and just really needing that support. And I think a lot of times the advice that parents get is around, it’s more on the medical model side versus the social, change the environment, you know, take care of yourself side.

Kori Tomelden: yeah. Which, I mean, you know, you need the medical side of it. I’m not, you know, you need those things too. And especially over the pandemic, like you were just saying. Okay, so virtual school sucked all around for every child. Let’s just get that out of the way. But for autistic kids or for kids with ADHD, anybody, any child really who has an IEP, the individual education plan, or even a 5 0 4 plan. It was not the academic piece that they were missing out on. Yes, the academics were important, but they were missing out on the occupational therapy, the speech therapy, the physical therapy, all of those added supports. And, you know, then you’re putting that on the parents to be able to provide that. And just the stress levels were just through the roof. And, you know, I think about it, like if we hadn’t had those things in place already at home, I would have lost it. Yeah. So that was the big thing that I carried through with 2020 was, you know, teaching parents, like, all right, so this is how you can set up certain things at home, how you can do functional life skills at home that will also tie into areas of occupation therapy and stuff like that.

And I ran into some pushback of, well, you’re not an occupational therapist or speech therapist or special education teacher, blah, blah, blah. I’m like, you’re right. I’m not. I didn’t go to school for those things, but I have 18 years of hands-on experience with these things. So take it as you will, adapt it as you need it.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah, absolutely. That lived experience, definitely counts for a lot for

these types of strategies and problem solving around the, you know, the wild environment we’ve been in for the past two years.

Kori Tomelden: Yeah.

Carolyn Kiel: Wow. So, yeah. So do you also work with women who are autistic or, or have ADHD who aren’t parents, or is it mainly with families that you work with?

Kori Tomelden: Women in general. It’s just because it’s that whole, again, we go through so much of our lives, I finding, either being misdiagnosed or late diagnosed. And I think once you do begin that diagnosis process, you just, you get hit with so much. So that’s where I want to be able to come in to support. So it’s not just for moms, it’s women in general, just because we have that.

Not that men don’t have struggles too. Obviously they do. But females, and, and also for those who identify as women, we have this different, it is. It’s just different. I, I don’t know how else to describe it. But, you know, no matter how, how much progress has been made in society for, you know, equality and all of that, they’re still not a level of equality. Women are still not quite second class citizens, you know, in most of the United States, United Kingdom, Canada, wherever, but we’re still not seen as, as men are in the same position. And it’s ridiculous.

So, but yeah, that’s, that’s why I wanted to work with women in general. I didn’t want to just say, oh, I’m only working with moms. Will my heart and soul always be with the moms? Absolutely. But I recognize it’s not just moms who need help. It’s women in general. We still need help.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah, that’s powerful. And again, really the pandemic, I think really highlighted a lot of those ways in which, you know, women are, you know, do not have complete equality. I don’t even want to get into that discussion.

Kori Tomelden: Oh no, that’s again,

Carolyn Kiel: and what’s going on.

Kori Tomelden: But you know, there’s some things that as I start thinking about them, like, Wow. I could go rant about this for days on end and still probably not have, you know, still have more to say.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah. And it’s great that you provide support to women like that because I feel like, in addition to all of the challenges that women face now and in society, especially. Autistic women, because I mean, I was lucky enough in my diagnosis that I had a really supportive diagnostician who gave me resources once I got it. But I think a lot of times when we just get the diagnosis, it’s like, okay, enjoy like good luck, figure it out.

Kori Tomelden: That, either that, or they get questioned.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah.

Kori Tomelden: And it’s like, why are you seeking a diagnosis so late in life, what do you think it’s going to do? I’m trying to understand. It’s not about finding out, you know, oh, I have this diagnosis. It’s not an excuse. It’s not an explanation. I’m trying to understand. And I’m trying to understand myself, so help me out here.

Carolyn Kiel: Right. Yeah. It’s almost a double bind because there’s so much doubt around self-diagnosis, but at the same time, diagnosis is so hard, is not accessible for many people. And even when you get official diagnosis, you still get questioned. So, yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Kori Tomelden: And that’s just it too. It’s like, well, why didn’t you get diagnosed as a child? Or blah, blah blah. I’m like, look. I’m not having this conversation with you.

Carolyn Kiel: Like, did you read the DSM when I was a child?

Kori Tomelden: Like did you see what it was like? Did you see the criteria? Again, DSM. I could rant about that, like big time. Yeah.

Carolyn Kiel: It takes a while for it to catch up. Yeah, it does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. I think that’s great that you provide that, that support cause people really need it.

Yeah. And yeah. And you also have a podcast like that. So tell me about your podcast.

Kori Tomelden: Well, my podcast, when I started it, okay, so this evolved as well. I started a podcast called Autism Family Life, which was just about talking about autism, everyday family life and things like that. And then I took almost a year and a half, pandemic, off from recording new episodes. And then it’s like, no, you know what? I need to bring this podcast back. And at that point was when I had, I’d just gotten my diagnosis. It’s like, oh, okay. I’m going to bring the podcast back.

And it started out as Autism ADHD and Me. Because I was like, you know, I’ll just talk, I’ll keep talking about this. And then, that also shifted to what it is now. It’s Authentically Autistic and ADHD. So it’s showing up fully and authentically as autistic and ADHD without worrying and without caring so much about the judgment or the doubts. And fully unmasked, which was another thing that I’ve had to kind of explain to people, I guess, you know, pandemic, we associate that with having to wear a mask. I’m like, no, no, no. I’m talking about a social mask or camouflaging. It’s hiding what makes you a neurodivergent whether you’re autistic, ADHD, dyslexic. I can’t remember all of the ones that are under there. But it’s hiding what makes you in that to appear normal and that’s stressful in and of itself. And it’s like, no, I’m done.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah.

Kori Tomelden: I’m done. So that’s how it all changed. And that’s the name of my podcast. That’s where I hang out on Instagram and YouTube. You can see my website. It’s who I am.

Carolyn Kiel: That’s great. Yeah. I think the process of unmasking is one that takes many months and years and especially for women. And this is probably why autism doesn’t get caught in general because many, many neurotypical women mask, just because that’s what society says we should be doing. And then you add autistic masking on top of it.

Kori Tomelden: Exactly. And that, you know, that was why I started my whole self discovery process was, holy crap. I’ve been taking on everything that society expected me to be as a mom, as a stay at home mom, as a homemaker, as whatever else that I was carrying. I completely lost my identity to all that. It sucks. It really sucks.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah. Well, that’s, that’s good that you are using the podcast as a way to unmask and just talk more about, you know, what’s what’s going on and then help educate other people and help other people identify. Cause I’m sure so many listeners must identify with what you’re talking about.

Kori Tomelden: Yeah. Yeah. Well, it’s that, and it’s also just kind of explaining the things out there, like the executive functioning and emotional regulation and all these other things that we don’t really have, or didn’t have names for or didn’t have the terms for. Breaking it down and sayings like, all right, well, this is what it is, but this is how it shows up, or this is how it could show up.

That was one of the other big things for me was being both autistic and having ADHD. It’s like, there’s a lot of overlap between the two of them. So I looked at the areas of the overlap and I was like, all right, I can work on the things that are overlapping and then maybe address some of the others. So it wasn’t just saying, oh, this is how I’m going to help the autistic piece. Or this is how I help the ADHD piece. Like no, They come together at some point. Let me see where they’re overlapping and go from there.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah. Yeah. That’s interesting. Yeah. As I learn more about autism and ADHD, I was really surprised at how many overlaps there are. Now I understand why there’s so much misdiagnosis.

You know, they work together. Sometimes they work, you know, kind of contradicting each other a bit. But yeah, it all depends on the individual too.

Kori Tomelden: Yeah, that that’s that’s also a big thing. And I described it to somebody and was like, being autistic and ADHD is like having iOS and Android installed on the same phone. It’s very similar operating systems, but different functions. So,

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah, that’s a good description of it.

Wow. So yeah, looking long-term, do you have any particular, like long-term goals for either your coaching business or your podcast that you’ve been thinking about?

Kori Tomelden: Long term. I would love to continue doing this and supporting women and not just with the coaching, but also eventually I want to be able to certify coaches and in particular, the neurodivergent women, so that it’s not just ourselves that we’re helping, but then we’re helping the next generation or the next person.

You know, it’s also the financial empowerment piece. Because a nine to five job is so hard for us. I had a really hard time holding a traditional job. No wonder, no wonder, you know, it’s one of those other common struggles that I’m seeing out there. So being able to provide that avenue as well.

And with my podcast, I’d love for it to keep growing and to keep touching people. And if I’m only impacting one person’s life, then I call it that a win. If I can ever get over my, you know, my nerves and my stagefright, I’d love to have a TEDx talk, to be a speaker. And I know I have at least one book in me, so that’s also on my goals.

Carolyn Kiel: Right. That’s great. Awesome. Yeah. Well, how can people get in touch with you if they want to learn more about your coaching or your podcast or the work that do?

Kori Tomelden: Well, I am Authentically Autistic and ADHD on Instagram. I have a Facebook page there, a Facebook group, YouTube channel, and it’s also my website and that’s the major ways to find me.

The podcast is available on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, Google Podcasts, all of the majors. So, yeah. I’ve got new episodes that come out weekly and then on the YouTube channel right now, I have new videos that drop almost daily. That was the advice I was given to grow. I was like, all right, let me see what I can do.

And yeah. So that’s been, if I had to pick between, I love both YouTube and the podcasting. Just because I don’t have to be quite as hands-on as I do with social media.

Carolyn Kiel: Yeah. Yeah. No, it’s all, it’s all very different. All the marketing and all the of the content creation, well that’s awesome. Yeah wow, daily. That’s so cool.

Awesome. All right. Perfect. So I’ll put links to your website and podcast and YouTube links in the show notes so people can find it there.

Kori Tomelden: Great.

Carolyn Kiel: All right. Well, Kori thank you so much for being on my show. As we close out, is there anything else that you’d like our listeners to know or anything that they can help or support you with?

Kori Tomelden: If I had anything else to say, it’s just prioritize yourself. Because if you can’t prioritize yourself, then you can’t show up to be the things that you want to be. And. Yeah, just do that to the best of your ability on any given day.

Carolyn Kiel: It’s important. Yeah. We have to take care of ourselves in order to be able to take care of everything else in our lives and everybody else.

Kori Tomelden: Right.

Carolyn Kiel: Very good. Well, thank you so much, Kori. It was great talking to you. Thanks for being on the show.

Kori Tomelden: Yeah. Thank you again, Carolyn. I’m honored to be here.

Carolyn Kiel: Thanks for listening to Beyond 6 Seconds. Please help me spread the word about this podcast. Share it with a friend, give it a shout out on your social media or write a review on Apple Podcasts or your favorite podcast player. You can find all of my episodes and sign up for my free newsletter at beyond6seconds.net. Until next time!